Just when you could tear your hair out

....your kids go & steal your heart all over again. Joshua wouldn't stop smiling at me while bf'ing today and took a 2 hour nap in the afternoon. David also took a 2 hour nap in the afternoon and kept running up to me to give me huge hugs & kisses all evening. All my stress over the two of them melted in an instant.

Joined BabyFit today through sparkpeople.com. Thanks for the link, Sarah. Because I am bf'ing Joshua it sent me to the BabyFit site. I put in all my info and was flat out shocked by how many calories I "should" be getting each day. Holy cow have I been slacking most days. I am supposed to aim for a range of 2240 - 2540 per day. Today I was way high b/c I ate freakin' Taco Hell for lunch. Normally I would be way under. I am going to have to really watch this b/c I don't want my efforts at weightloss to hurt Joshua.

Did my "loving movement" today by cleaning the house & chasing David up & down the hallway. Squats while dusting count, right? David got the biggest kick out of being my free-weights and getting his tummy zerberted. The laughing I did ought to be good for my abs, IMO!!!! Joshua just laughed at us. Such a silly mommy.

That's just how I roll

Today was an "okay" day. My biggest foe in this weight loss thing is motivation. I lack the motivation to workout & the motivation to eat right. I want to move enough to keep my house clean & the kids happy.....then I want to sleep. I want to eat whatever I get a craving for....whenever I get the urge.

I made the same mistake I make almost every morning and forgot to eat breakfast. I had my coffee and began my housework......didn't notice the hunger pains until after 11:30. No wonder Joshua gets so fussy mid morning. Made tomato soup for lunch....but had to eat again by 3. Rice Krispies.....with 1 tsp of sugar. Dinner was leftover chili and I am sitting here CRAVING sugar now. I have a cold glass of 100% grapefruit juice instead and it isn't cutting it.

My activity today consisted of chasing David all over the house after Tony left for work. It kept him in a good mood.....well good enough for someone who is teething again. Mostly I laid on the floor with him & Joshua. We built towers while Joshua practiced his tummy time. Now that is what I call a fun afternoon.

Now for my treat.....Joshua was kind enough to actually wait for the camera to be on this time before performing his new "trick". Notice the look on his face at the end. It is as if he is going, "Okay....now what, Mommy?". Oh, and yes.....I hate how I sound on video....so feel free to leave your speakers off.

So now that all the baby weight is gone (even from my first) it is all me. I am 50 pounds heavier than I was back in college and 3-4 sizes bigger. Yikes!!! I know I shouldn't compare myself at 31 to my 21 year-old self. I came across pictures of myself at that age and I am too skinny in my opinion. However, pics of me in grad school aren't too bad. I would take that body again. In a hot minute.









Tony says he loves my body.....especially the ass I have acquired since I left college. My boobs are much nicer since then, too. Lovin' the bigger cup size..... especially the bf'ing size. Holy crap, I never thought I could get boobs like this without surgery.

So now my dilemma is how aggressive to be about weight loss. I know that in order to bf Joshua for the full year (as I did David) I am going to need to keep up the calories. With David I really didn't have a choice. By the time I was thinking about weight loss we discovered I was pg again. That forced up the calories even more and had to squash all plans to lose those 50 pounds.

Right now I am aiming for a midpoint. I am hoping to lose 30 by this Christmas when Joshua is 1. I figure this gives me 9 months.....36 weeks. At a pound a week average I should be able to reach this goal. These past three months the weight melted off. Now the hard work begins.
Start: 184 lb and Size 16 jeans

WTF?????????

I am so tired I could fall asleep standing up. Maybe I have. I should pinch myself to find out but that would require energy. Both boys have just finished the full-on fight of their lives against peace, tranquility, my sanity, and bedtime. (Since when are most of these foes?) I am trying not to feel like a crap-tacular parent here... but it is difficult.

David succeeded in climbing into the baby swing (he is still under the weight limit....I just don't let him use it) only to fall out as he tried to swing it. Lovely inch long welt next to his right eye now. He also backed up into the corner of the wall & gave himself another bump on the back of his head. Way to go, monkey. Joshua fought sleep like it was death itself but has finally quieted down. I am sitting here in total silence praying tomorrow will NOT be a repeat. I had to fight the urge to dump them both into their cribs and run for the nearest exit. What am I thinking of wanting a third someday??????????

Of course to have a third I would actually have to have sex. Ummm, yeah.... not likely at this rate. Maybe that is why I feel like Tony & I are more roommates than husband & wife these days? I am trying my hardest to feel sexy & ready... but I might as well try to decipher this whole bailout package thing they have going on. Never mind. I will just wait until he isn't looking and jump his bones. That way he can't see how I look.

One of THOSE days.

So I am having one of those days. The ones where I wake up at 12am & 4 am for feedings only to have my toddler wake up screaming at 4:30. I got Joshua back to sleep after his feeding (finally) and David had calmed down. By then it was already 5am so rather than sleep for the next hour (maybe) I decided to get up & shower. Those were my last peaceful moments.

I got out of the shower to the sound of David fussing again. I got dressed and closed our door to let Tony & Joshua sleep some more. I came out to the living room, but David had quieted again. So I started the coffee maker and had my grapefruit. David woke up twice while I was eating....the second time he was much louder so I decided to just go get him.......5:45am.

He was a bit fussy (still cutting some teeth.....and possibly fighting off a bug) but not too bad. Gave him his milk, banana, and "O's". He cuddled and fussed a bit.....but let me drink my coffee. Finally got him in a good enough mood to try a diaper change by 6:30 and then he started chanting for juice. I just ignored it....he still had milk....and cuddled him or read books.

Tony got up just after 7.....as I was dishing up David's eggs for breakfast. He laid on the couch while I sat with David so he could eat. He ate pretty well, considering he was so fussy. Finished most of his egg, all of his banana, and then he got his precious juice. I got him out of the highchair and let him watch Sesame Street. I was just sitting down to check my e-mail when Joshua woke up. Tony got him and changed him (thank goodness) while I went to the bathroom......David sitting on my lap the whole time. (Who knew being a mommy would entail going potty with an audience in tow so often?)

I fed Joshua as Tony changed David's diaper......good poopy one. Glad I missed it. After that he just became a major fuss. Wanted to hit Joshua or sit on him while he was trying to nurse. Tony dosed him with tylenol for the teething pain & slight fever and we gave him a half cup of his juice. By 8:30 Joshua was looking drousy so I put him down in his new crib in their shared room. This was going to be his first nap in there. David went in for his nap at 9....Joshua was already asleep.

Then it really fell apart. David began to scream like he was being tortured, Joshua woke up & began to fuss, I felt like Tony was criticizing my decision to try naptime in the same room, and I fell apart as I went to get Joshua. I cried while I nursed him again and Tony sat with David in the room to calm him down.

I am sitting here feeling like a bad parent for making the mistake of trying them in the room sharing today. I am also feeling like an awful wife b/c it has been FOREVER since we have DTD. I am hating the sound of my children waking up again.......and wanting to just go back to bed.

So, yes......one of those days. I hope it improves from here. It has to, right???

So here we go.....

This is my first attempt at blogging. I had started one for the whole family & then realized that I had things to say that were not "family" in nature. I also realized I don't want my in-laws getting their hands on this......so out goes the family version.



I am a SAHM to two little boys. They are the reason I want to get out of bed each day....no matter how tired I feel. (And goodness knows I feel MIGHTY tired these days.....) They are keeping me very busy and making me feel like what I do matters.



I am married to a great guy......Tony......although he does have his faults. The alcoholism is top of that list. He needs to shape up......or he won't be around to see his boys grow up. The thought of possibly losing him makes me ache inside; but, I am mostly angry that he won't stop the drinking despite the warning signs. For better or worse, though, he is my best friend and the only man I want to grow old with.

So, that is my intro. I am not sure what all this blogging is about.... but I do know I need a place to vent sometimes and this may just be the place.